This has been a journey, to say the least. I thought about a million ways to tell the world this part of my life. I have shared so much with you, my loyal readers. You have read about both my good and bad days. I have shared how to trust God in even the most un-circumstantial situations. Well, this has been the biggest fight of my life. I thought getting through rape would be the hardest to get through. Then, I believed that getting through suicidal thoughts would be harder. I even thought that, after months and years of silent depression, I would be done. Then, this battle comes, and this time, it isn't one that just happened to me. This is one that I participate in. Normally, when you hear that these things have happened to a number of us, you say that's not fair, but when I share my big reveal, this will not be that moment. You will say, "Well, I mean, she knew what could happen?" Yes, I did know. Yet, I did it anyway, thinking like most of you do without telling anybody about it. I thought that I wouldn't have gotten caught.
Well, here we go because I got caught.
I am expecting a beautiful baby____!
Here's the part where I say that, although my circumstances were planned myself, I surely wasn't planning to jump into motherhood this year. But, never the less here I am. Throughout this walk-in pregnancy, I have faced some serious mirror time.
Mirror Time - A reflection of yourself with deep thought.
I have faced myself with the realities that may or may not lay before me. I want to leave a message for anyone who's expecting or has already delivered and you haven't made it out of the shame or guilt of this thing. Not being married or committed to during such an emotional time in your life is probably harder than anything I've dealt with. I have struggled with feeling inadequate when looking at the strong single mothers who do it. Then I see the hardworking, degree-having married women who seem to have life all figured out living in the house that they bought with their husbands. While examining that, I'd say, "Wow. Okay, nope I can't do this."
Often, I have thought to myself.
"Will I ever?"
"Will this ever be me?"
"Did I just forfeit my bigger dream of a family for a moment's desire?"
See, these are my thoughts, but I am not going to get to the exciting part of this journey until I first keep this 100!
Those thoughts rock my mind. I could go into a million different things that occurred during the announcement of my first child's arrival, but I will save that for another post. What shocked me was how God responded to me. I began to earnestly pray and my heart was in a place it has never been before. My heart was wrecked. Then I said, "Look, I have messed up over and over again, I don't see why you continue to choose me for this ministry or this calling. I think you made a mistake picking me. I keep failing." And honestly, I love God much a lot, but my actions didn't seem to align all the time, and I was weighed down by shame.
Shame is pointing at one's life, while guilt is pointing at one's actions. I was in both, and I was here for months. During the first five months of my pregnancy, God was speaking with me every day.
One night, I had a dream of walking into a room with a white box. I stared at it for a long time. I was wondering what this box was doing there by itself. It had a door and knob with a lock. I remember walking around the box and thinking about my life. I started having flashbacks of all that God has done for me. I thought about the good moments and the fun ones that I had with friends and family. I even thought about some bad times that made me cry. But this was what made me go inside the box. I thought of the people that I have impacted with my story, blog, and ministry through singing. This is what made me sad - I felt like I had abandoned them. I heard voices in my head of family members saying, "All those dreams you had are gone." Some tried to cover up the doubt that they had in my success by saying, "I mean you can do some things, but trust me, it's about to get harder." I felt like I couldn't make this work. So, I went inside the box and locked the door.
Now, life inside this box was being thought of. I knew that I could have the baby in the box. So, I made plans to stay there. I didn't invite any friends or family, but sat in the box and cried every day. On the days that I didn't cry, I just moved from corner to corner. Remember, the door was locked. Every night, I would have these kinds of dreams.
One night, an unusual thing happened in the box that hadn't happened in days. I saw a bright light roaming the room. The light had a voice, but I hid my face from it. I shouted, "I don't want to be bothered!" Although the light didn't say anything back, I heard it humming my favorite song, "Jesus you're the center of my joy." I tried to block it out, but then it sat in another corner and didn't say a word.
Every night, the light would sing a new song that I had sung before. Then, it finally came to my side of the room. I looked at it feeling blinded. Crying, I said, "I can't go back out there. Everybody will laugh and I will end up crying in front of all those people. I am too embarrassed. I can't. Let me have this baby here!"
The voice said, "no." However, after not speaking for a while, when it spoke, I knew that it was God.
I have so much more to tell you about the dreams that I had. But, I will end by saying that if you are a mother and you've been stuck in this box, know that you are not alone. Maybe you have become wrapped up in shaping your child's future more than your own? Or perhaps you have been wanting for God to say, "Yes, you can quit right here." Well, sorry not sorry, he says, "No, you cannot quit." Your story didn't end with them, but it was just beginning. Today, I dare you to talk to the light in the box, and He will remind you of who you are. And then, He will do what He did for me, which was set me free.
I will write about how He set me free in this dream in another post, but until then, seek God!
I am now satisfied knowing that it's God who's released me and forgiven me. As Proverbs 18:10 says, "The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."