Updated: Mar 29
Disclaimer: Before you read this, understand that this is my testimony through my eyes. The way that God forgives is unmerited. I don't confess to deserve his grace, but I have overcome the torture that this decision leaves on your mind. I don't share my story to scare anyone but to relieve anyone who is dealing with the same decision.
Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
Here we are, it's the last day of this shameless series. Today ends my journey of shame through these battles of childbearing - mistakes and guilt. My final fall as it pertains to sexual desire was when I found out that I was pregnant, not just for the first time but the third. You can imagine the amount of shame I carried on the inside because although most people saw a girl who revealed she was having a little boy, which was revealed in my blog post The Big Reveal, they assumed that I was just pregnant. But for me, it was my third time and I was gripping with the reality that I had made yet another foolish decision. The difference with time was that I wasn't going to live with my shame. I wasn't going to repeat my mistakes. So, I chose to take ownership of my decisions and face every consequence that would follow.
Deciding to keep my son came with an eminence defeat in my long-lasting relationship. I found out that my son's father wasn't being loyal to the relationship that we had in my head. In reality, the relationship was already on the rocks. I was dealing with holding on and to be honest so was he. There was a much-needed break that needed to occur but I think we both wanted it to "just work." Neither of us wants to hurt one another even though much pain occurred. After finding out all the dirty laundry and how much of the laundry everybody saw, I crawled into my own little box. I crawled so far inside the box that I didn't know who I was or who I could become.
In my previous blog post, The Big Reveal, I aired what we were expecting. In reference to that blog, I talked about the box. This box was so cold and lonely. I was so ashamed of being in love with someone who wasn't ready for me. I was ashamed of making the same mistake over and over again. I was ashamed of not having enough value in myself. I felt like a hypocrite because I was trying to be pure in actions but was not in my thoughts.
After my son was born, I had adrenaline, was hyped, and was excited to see my son. After months of depression and crying, I felt I had a reason to smile. I was still about two months from being out of the woods of depression. It was a temporary feeling of happiness but not enough to have me crawl out of that hole. I remember holding my son and honesty feeling scared. I was scared that I wasn't going to be enough for him. I felt like he would reject me somehow. I tried everything I could to have his dad see me and choose me but never could win. I tried everything for my dad to see me but I felt like I was always being ignored, and like I was never somebody's choice but instead an option. Something to choose from but never the final decision. Yes, bear with me, these thoughts were pretty deep. So, as my son breathed on his own that first night in the hospital I just started wondering how I could love him. How could I prove to him that I was worth the choice?
Shame will have you feeling like you aren't worth it. Not even the very child that I held in my womb for nine months could make me forget my past. Shame made me look at everything as an obstacle.
Everything that happened I had to stare at from the angle of:
"Where can I fit in?"
"How can I make people see me as genuine and worth it?"
Two months later, a moment appeared, after weeks of being in the house with my family by my side every step of the way. Visits from both sides of the family and love from all sides. I was home alone with my son. It was my first time in weeks being at home with him. I can remember very vividly the feeling of fear gripping my ankles. I was scared to get up and walk away and I felt that feeling from the hospital again. How can I get him to choose me? How can I shield him from the disgust I feel for myself? I picked him up and started walking to my bedroom floor, and I prayed:
"Lord, help me see him. Help me accept him as my son and not my mistake. Help me to realize that he is my blessing and never my curse. Lord, help my heart to love him and to love him fully. I want to choose him and myself. I don't want him to just choose me but I want to choose myself. I want to feel like I deserve real love and I know that through this gift, you will grant me that. Forgive me for all the times that I thought I knew what I was doing. I realize now that I had no idea where to even begin. I am aware that you know how to change hearts. So change mine. In Jesus' name, Amen.