Updated: Mar 29
DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, understand that this is my testimony through my eyes. The way that God forgives is unmerited. I don't confess to deserve his grace, but I have overcome the torture that this decision leaves on your mind. I don't share my story to scare anyone but to relieve anyone who is dealing with the same decision.
Shame a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
I'm not going to lie, re-reading my first shameless letter has blown even me away. Simply because I dared to tell my story and not feel that guilt anymore. Well, today is another battle so let's plant our feet here in another uneventful part of my life. Again, I do not share these nitty-gritty things to create a crowd of lookers, but to encourage the crowd of believers in Christ Jesus. For far too long, we have heard about just how horrible it is to sin and be caught in it. But, never really hearing enough about the damage it does to us emotionally. I mention sin because, yet again, I will tell this story from the mouth of an unmarried, God-fearing mess up. As I'm writing this, I can hear Donald Lawrence's get back up again ringing in my ears. A saint is just a sinner who fell and got up. So, I'll remember these words as I shamelessly confront and tell my story, and you should remember these words too.
After about two years after the abortion, I was questioning my place in God, the church, and myself. I was questioning if living holy was worth it, and I was just downright not ready to leave the world and its fun. I was a bit addicted to the rush of it all. So, after my first mistake, I ended up pregnant again. This time I would like to say that I felt I was ready. Ready to face my fears, and I promised myself that I would never try to face that demon from abortion again, so I was going to suffer through no matter the consequences. So, here goes everything right. I recall at the time when I decided to keep my child a comment that scared me.
"Well, you either keep it and lose your life or abort and go to hell."
These words rang through my brain in my dreams. I remember waking up from dreams of torture, wondering which would be worse lose a life here or embrace Hell forever. So I'd say that played a big role in my decision to go forward. After mustering up all the strength within myself to be settled on my answer, I had to break it to my parents. This was not pretty. So many uncharted and unnecessary precautions were made that I think to this day left scars on my relationship with them. The news is out, and most faces were very upset. I took all the faces, comments, concerns, and congratulations to sleep that night.
During the first trimester, I can remember reciting scriptures and songs to my belly. I can't say whether they were ever for the child or myself and my mental stability. I prayed daily, thanking God for another opportunity since I felt I had screwed up the first time. However, I knew that I was a sinner who had just been caught doing something, yet again, that I shouldn't have. So, to deal with that shame and guilt, I buried myself in what I could do for my child when he or she arrived. Weeks went by, and I couldn't help but stress because more and more bad news was coming in. Job changes, relationship changes, and a baby growing on the inside of me. My stress test would have been horrible. I started to feel very bad, and I wanted to sleep. I had begun getting very depressed, and I don't think I was even saying much. Until the day came. I noticed the bleeding and, in a panic, called a friend who'd been pregnant to ask questions about my condition. At that moment, a joke fell from her mouth that unnerved me but worried me nonetheless. So, we rushed to the hospital to check whether it was the real deal.
Maybe hours went by, and they confirmed that the baby is not there.
I was devastated, shocked, embarrassed, and sad.
I didn't want to look at myself or even give anybody else the news. At that moment, I figured well, now no hell and a life huh?
My emotions weren't going to subside because I was an unmarried woman who had ignorantly messed up again. I had connected with my child. I knew for sure it would be a boy, and I dreamt of making my life better and doing better when he arrived. Yet, I was faced with the facts. There was not going to be any baby.
Miscarriage can feel like you have lost something that never existed. It's like you want to mourn because you knew it would, but not sure how to explain it. It seems like everyone else wants to cheer you up, but they don't understand the weight of losing a best friend nobody else got to know but you. I carried the shame of my miscarriage because I believed that I was less of a woman. I thought that I was never going to conceive and that God was punishing me because I never should have been doing that in the first place. I thought it was somehow payback for all my years of running from ministry. But he left me with this.
Daniel 9:9 ,"The Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him;"