Updated: Mar 30
DISCLAIMER: Before you read this, understand that this is my testimony through my eyes. The way that God forgives is unmerited. I do not confess to deserve his grace, but I have overcome the torture that this decision leaves on your mind. I do not share my story to scare anyone but to relieve anyone who is dealing with the same decision.
Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
I am sure that the topic alone has pulled you in. So, let me get right to it. I had an abortion after participating in whom I call my social media cousin Taylor Banks Shameless Series, which aired on Facebook Live on her private Women In Pursuit Group. I decided to shamelessly tell my story in hopes to free someone else. This series was made to encourage other women apart of this group to own their stories. I will admit, when the flyer first popped up on my timeline, I said to myself, “Absolutely not." I imagined looking myself in the mirror and admitting that everything that I said I would never do, I did it. So here it goes.
I was coming home from college and had been under my mother’s roof for a few months. Boom, there it was in front of me, the glaring positive sign. In a panic, I immediately went to looking online for ways to get myself, well, un-positive. I called the dad and explained our dilemma. The dilemma shortened, and a resolution quickly emerged. As all necessary appointments were made, I prepared for the day that I would do what I felt needed to be done.
Most days, I tried to avoid making a connection with the child living inside of me, growing for fear of too much connection to be ended in such a quick time. So, I remember walking into work one day, and a woman asked me if I was expecting because I had been feeling very ill the last few days. I explained without hesitation, "Yes, but I am not keeping it." I felt too young and immature, and I knew that we were not ready for marriage, so I pushed onward to that day of completion.
When the day arrived, a chill swam across my face and a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. As I walked into the clinic, I was greeted and asked to come to the back. They did not ask me if the dad could join, so I went alone. At this moment, this was the first time that I sensed a lonely kind of presence very close to me. I sat and answered every question as honestly as possible, and then the next question came, "Are you sure you want to proceed with this procedure today?" My response, “Yes, ma'am I do." As the nurse walks out, they escort me to the sonogram room, where they would assess the baby and see which procedure I might need. The lady with the black, short haircut and nice earrings, turns in the nurse's chair and says, “Did you by any chance want a sonogram picture?" Again, the gut-wrenching feeling gripped me as I threw out the words, “Yes, please." I could hear in the background a very well-known girl who had been through what I was going through multiple times telling me, "Whatever you do, do not take one of those pictures."
However, in the distance with my yes went a very innocent little girl trying desperately to stay in love with a man who liked wandering. And, here come the pills; "Well, Ms. Banks, here are your pills, this process will take about three to five days to be completed, and you will need a large maxi pad and stay off your feet for the next 24 hours. Thanks for choosing ____ have a great week!" "Uhm, okay," was my response. As I walked into the hall eagerly wanting to be hugged, I cried entering the hallway with nobody that I knew. I picked up my phone and called, "Where are you? Did you leave?" On the other end, I heard, “Uh yeah, need me to call you an Uber or something." Devastated, I replied, “Yes please." I roamed the street for about a hopeless hour, waiting for someone to come and pick me up, and remembered that I am currently aborting my child. The story may sound sad and cold, but as you all walk with me through the journey of being shameless about our stories, I hope that you can feel my heart and not just see the story play out.
You see, I was ashamed for a very long time that I did this. I worried about the faces. And not just the faces of others but the ones I would make at myself. Just like in the movies, there were people outside with flyers and boards talking about our choices and why we should not do it. I knew at the moment that this decision was not the best. And, still, I dealt with grief’s gruesome punch afterward. Grief, shame, and embarrassment played tug of war with my mind until I could not handle my thoughts without weed. Yet, one day, I was reminded that I am not my past, and my past does not define me.
1 John 1:9 says,"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
My failures made me a better decision-maker, my mistakes caused me to evaluate my surroundings, and my success made me appreciate every loss. I do not stand any longer as women ashamed of abortion but one who has survived its devious consequences. I have embraced Isaiah 1:18, which says,“'Come now, let us settle the matter,' says the LORD. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.'" Shame is something I have to choose to lean in, and I no longer do. I press forward towards the mark of the high calling, and I remember that I am a chosen priesthood, and of a holy nation.
When I seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, all things shall be added unto me. Of course, all dominion and glory remain at the father’s feet. I am a vessel that has been spared to tell a story of overcoming the shame of abortion. If there was one thing that I could say to some who are currently pregnant, as you will read the next two shameless entries, it would be that you can be a great mother! To the one who is still ashamed, remember whose approval you need. It is not man, but it’s God’s. He will be the one to reign on the just and the unjust. Repentance is a change of heart, mind, and direction. Once implemented, you can walk free from this shame.
So, step out of shame and walk into the bliss of owning your story. It happened, but it's not who you are.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says,"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"