One night, I had gotten into a disagreement with a friend. I hate tension, so I apologized. Yet, after the apology, I was so heavy. My mind was racing. What if what I said can end this friendship? Was I being too sensitive? I did too much. I overreacted. I’m this, I’m that. When things don’t go as planned or I make mistakes, I beat myself up hard. I’ve always done that. Asking what’s wrong with me, especially when people didn’t like me or were upset with me. In my head, I’m like “I’m a pretty likable person, why don’t they like me?”.
While praying, I realized, that I had a strong hatred for the person I am and the mistakes I’ve made. It is very easy for me to be ashamed or anxious when I do things wrong. I’ve held myself to considerable high unrealistic expectations and minimized how I was feeling all the time, which resulted in always trying to prove that I’m right all the time. Sometimes, thinking what would happen if I didn’t exist or drove my car off a bridge one day, would I be missed?
In my realization, I understood that I wasn’t thankful for God’s craftsmanship. How did God feel, knowing I felt like this sometimes. So I apologized to my Father, for not loving myself, not caring for his vessel, or appreciating the treasure he placed inside. No, I’m not invalidating my feelings because they were very real and valid. But how can embrace and abide in Abba’s agape love, if I’m not loving his creation? How can I worship him in all that I am, if I don’t even like who I am? Abba, tells us in His word that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14) and that he knew, sanctified, and ordained us before we came into the Earth (Jeremiah 1:5). He also tells us that when he saw all that he made, he thought it was good. If Abba can see us and everything we’ve done, and still see that we are good. Why can’t we?
I say all this to say that we must extend ourselves grace. We must cherish the people that we are. More importantly, we need to take of ourselves. It’s very important for our purpose. We can hold ourselves accountable, and still, be gentle. We can build and create new habits, but we can’t work out all the kinks we have, only God can.
Allow him to do so. I reposted this post on Instagram, which said, “How cool is it, that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies looked at you and thought the world needed one of you too?” Seriously, substantially cool.